[This is the sixth entry about our miscarriage. To read our story from the beginning, click here.]
Monday morning came, and Dan went back to work. I remember being envious of him because he now had work as a distraction. On one hand I was thankful I had the time home to grieve, but on the other hand I wished that I, too, had work to keep me busy.
Since Dan was working, my friend Kelly insisted on taking me to the follow-up appointment that afternoon, and Dan encouraged me to let her. Part of me wanted to go alone - I didn't want to talk about it with anyone - but Kelly was understanding and all around wonderful. Looking back, I am so thankful for her support that day. After spending over an hour in the waiting room, I was finally called back, and went in to see the specialist alone. The nurse came in first and did the initial ultrasound. She was very kind, but she couldn't find the heartbeat, either. Then, the specialist came in. Same thing. I told myself I wasn't going to cry because I knew this would be the case going into the appointment. But it was a lot easier said than done.
The specialist was very compassionate - he had incredible bedside manor. He spent a while talking with me, and he wasn't rushed. He went over the same three options that my doctor had shared. And he, too, thought there was no harm in waiting it out. Sometimes, though, women can wait 4-6 weeks or even longer (sounded like pure torture to me). He gave me a little more information about medication v. surgery, and seemed to suggest that surgery may be a better route to take if we eventually decided to intervene medically. I guess the medication can sometimes intensify the pain of a natural miscarriage, and it is not always completely effective. Often times, women who take the medication end up needing the surgery anyway.
The specialist then encouraged us to take time to grieve. He shared that people who experience a miscarriage go through the same grieving process as people do with any loss of a loved one: disbelief/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages look different for everyone and it's not uncommon to go back and forth between the stages. But time is the key component. Physically, it would be fine for us to try and conceive again (once everything resolved), but he suggested taking the time and waiting a few months. I appreciated his counsel, and there's one thing he said that will forever stick with me. He said, "I'm going to tell you this now because someday you're going to wonder. Nothing you did caused this to happen."
I came home to beautiful flowers from the women in my Bible study, and I tried to resume life as normal. A few days later, they took me out to lunch. We didn't talk about it - I didn't want to - but their company was a blessing, and I appreciated the distraction. I'm so thankful for them.
As much as I wanted to put everything behind me and move on, I was still waiting for everything to happen. My body still thought I was pregnant, and emotionally, that was incredibly hard to cope with. I ended up wanting to lay low and stay home a lot because I didn't know when I would "start" the process of miscarrying. Over and over I begged and prayed, "Lord, you already have our baby. Please take care of this so we can move on." I felt so confident, almost justified, in my prayer and I really thought, "Surely He'll answer our prayer, especially after everything that's happened."
A week passed. Still, nothing. I felt my heart starting to get angry. So angry. And so full of doubt. I was mad because I felt like God wasn't listening to me or answering my prayer.
[Only in retrospect did I later see that He was listening and He did answer my prayer - just not the way I wanted Him to.]
My mom ended up coming out to be with us, and she stayed for two weeks. Part of the reason she came was because she knew we had a "deadline" of sorts. Dan was leaving for training on March 20 and he'd be gone for a little over a week. Then on March 23, our next set of visitors were coming - my cousin Steph and her husband Tim. We knew we wanted everything resolved before Dan left. And my mom didn't want me to be alone, even for just those few nights before company came. And in the event of surgery being the final outcome, she wanted to be there with us during that time. Again, we fervently prayed that the Lord would take care of everything in the time we needed. I didn't want surgery.
My mom came Saturday, March 9. On Wednesday, March 13 (just shy of two weeks of waiting), we had a follow-up appointment with my OB doctor. We discussed our situation - how Dan was leaving and we were getting company and we just wanted everything to be over. And so, we ended up scheduling the D&C for the following Tuesday, March 19. We were still hoping we wouldn't need to go through with the procedure, but we wanted to schedule it as a last resort...just in case. Again, we prayed that the Lord would resolve everything over the weekend.
I can't explain just how much my mom's presence meant to us. Even though we live in "paradise," it wasn't a vacation for her, she came to be with us and to help us...to cook, clean, run errands...whatever we needed. And then, to have your mom with you - to cry with, to hug, to hear her say, "Everything is going to be okay" - I can't explain the comfort it brings. Having my mom here was also a great distraction. She's such a positive influence. The quality time we spent together in those two weeks is time I will always cherish.
Monday morning came, and Dan went back to work. I remember being envious of him because he now had work as a distraction. On one hand I was thankful I had the time home to grieve, but on the other hand I wished that I, too, had work to keep me busy.
Since Dan was working, my friend Kelly insisted on taking me to the follow-up appointment that afternoon, and Dan encouraged me to let her. Part of me wanted to go alone - I didn't want to talk about it with anyone - but Kelly was understanding and all around wonderful. Looking back, I am so thankful for her support that day. After spending over an hour in the waiting room, I was finally called back, and went in to see the specialist alone. The nurse came in first and did the initial ultrasound. She was very kind, but she couldn't find the heartbeat, either. Then, the specialist came in. Same thing. I told myself I wasn't going to cry because I knew this would be the case going into the appointment. But it was a lot easier said than done.
The specialist was very compassionate - he had incredible bedside manor. He spent a while talking with me, and he wasn't rushed. He went over the same three options that my doctor had shared. And he, too, thought there was no harm in waiting it out. Sometimes, though, women can wait 4-6 weeks or even longer (sounded like pure torture to me). He gave me a little more information about medication v. surgery, and seemed to suggest that surgery may be a better route to take if we eventually decided to intervene medically. I guess the medication can sometimes intensify the pain of a natural miscarriage, and it is not always completely effective. Often times, women who take the medication end up needing the surgery anyway.
The specialist then encouraged us to take time to grieve. He shared that people who experience a miscarriage go through the same grieving process as people do with any loss of a loved one: disbelief/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages look different for everyone and it's not uncommon to go back and forth between the stages. But time is the key component. Physically, it would be fine for us to try and conceive again (once everything resolved), but he suggested taking the time and waiting a few months. I appreciated his counsel, and there's one thing he said that will forever stick with me. He said, "I'm going to tell you this now because someday you're going to wonder. Nothing you did caused this to happen."
As much as I wanted to put everything behind me and move on, I was still waiting for everything to happen. My body still thought I was pregnant, and emotionally, that was incredibly hard to cope with. I ended up wanting to lay low and stay home a lot because I didn't know when I would "start" the process of miscarrying. Over and over I begged and prayed, "Lord, you already have our baby. Please take care of this so we can move on." I felt so confident, almost justified, in my prayer and I really thought, "Surely He'll answer our prayer, especially after everything that's happened."
A week passed. Still, nothing. I felt my heart starting to get angry. So angry. And so full of doubt. I was mad because I felt like God wasn't listening to me or answering my prayer.
[Only in retrospect did I later see that He was listening and He did answer my prayer - just not the way I wanted Him to.]
My mom ended up coming out to be with us, and she stayed for two weeks. Part of the reason she came was because she knew we had a "deadline" of sorts. Dan was leaving for training on March 20 and he'd be gone for a little over a week. Then on March 23, our next set of visitors were coming - my cousin Steph and her husband Tim. We knew we wanted everything resolved before Dan left. And my mom didn't want me to be alone, even for just those few nights before company came. And in the event of surgery being the final outcome, she wanted to be there with us during that time. Again, we fervently prayed that the Lord would take care of everything in the time we needed. I didn't want surgery.
My mom came Saturday, March 9. On Wednesday, March 13 (just shy of two weeks of waiting), we had a follow-up appointment with my OB doctor. We discussed our situation - how Dan was leaving and we were getting company and we just wanted everything to be over. And so, we ended up scheduling the D&C for the following Tuesday, March 19. We were still hoping we wouldn't need to go through with the procedure, but we wanted to schedule it as a last resort...just in case. Again, we prayed that the Lord would resolve everything over the weekend.
I can't explain just how much my mom's presence meant to us. Even though we live in "paradise," it wasn't a vacation for her, she came to be with us and to help us...to cook, clean, run errands...whatever we needed. And then, to have your mom with you - to cry with, to hug, to hear her say, "Everything is going to be okay" - I can't explain the comfort it brings. Having my mom here was also a great distraction. She's such a positive influence. The quality time we spent together in those two weeks is time I will always cherish.
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| Sydney was so excited to see her! |
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| Some of the beautiful ladies of my Bible study. I was so glad Mom could share the morning with us. |
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| Evening walks on Kailua Beach. |
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| Mom and I enjoyed cooking together and made a few Greek recipes |
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| Mom bought us some Easter decor and helped add some Spring touches to our home. |
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| Mom came with me to celebrate Jillian at her baby shower. [Baby Oskar was born 4/2!] |
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| Beautiful flowers from my sweet friend, Tanya |
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| Dinner out, March 18 |
Well, the weekend came and went. Still, nothing happened. We had waited for over two weeks. I felt like I had no choice, and medical intervention was necessary. We had run out of time.
Keep Smiling...
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