Moving Forward

[This post follows a series of posts about our miscarriage. To read our story from the beginning, click here and continue to click "newer post"at the bottom of the page.]

I have been meaning to continue journaling our story, but May has been a complete whirlwind, so here I am, a month later, continuing where I left off. All along, I knew I wanted to write one more entry regarding our miscarriage. This post is meant to be a "conclusion" of sorts - not that it's over or finished because loss doesn't just go away - but now there's some clarity when I think back to those dark days.

I'd be lying if I said I'm 100% okay today. There's still pain. There's pain when I think about how far along we'd be (past halfway, now) or when I see other pregnant women or when I go to Facebook and read yet another pregnancy announcement or when I see families welcome a new baby home. But by the grace of God, there are more good days than bad, and more strong moments than weak. While my heart is still tempted with envy, I can honestly say I have sincere joy for those women/families I just mentioned. Grief is a process and time is a great healer.

But let me back up...

(Just a warning - this is going to be a long post - and I will probably be all over the place.)

The days after the D&C brought new waves of grief. The procedure itself gave bittersweet closure. I felt relieved that the waiting was over, but it also confirmed our loss, which was heartbreaking. The procedure was March 19. Dan left for training in Texas March 20. I was so thankful for my mom staying until my cousin and her husband came on March 23. As I mentioned earlier, Mom had planned her trip around Dan's training/Steph and Tim's visit, because she didn't want me to be alone, even for one night. She's seriously the best, and I didn't want her to leave.

A quick family photo before dropping Dan off at the airport

Special dinner out on Mom's last night in town

Boy, were Sydney and I sad to see Mom go.

Honestly, the first night of Steph and Tim's visit was rough. I wasn't emotionally prepared for the upcoming week. Seeing Steph's growing baby bump (remember, we were 4 weeks apart) was so much more painful than I had anticipated, but I felt like I couldn't show my weakness. I didn't want to make anyone feel bad. It wasn't their fault. After all, their trip was planned way in advance - before any of this had happened - and I didn't want to compromise their Hawaii experience. Moreover, I just wasn't ready to talk about it. 

In those moments, I couldn't help but feel alone - Dan was gone, my mom had just left, and I felt like I had to face this mountain of grief on my own. I vividly remember thinking I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own.

The strange thing was, as much as I wanted to feel alone, I really couldn't. In those initial hours and days, God made his presence known to me in such clear ways - through worship music, scripture, and loved ones. 

Every time I listened to my worship station on Pandora, "Hungry (Falling on my Knees)" played. Seriously, it came on every.single.time. I've always loved the song, but now it has such a deeper meaning to me. 

Hungry, I come to You - For I know You satisfy - I am empty but I know - Your love does not run dry
[Chorus] So I wait for You - So I wait for You - I'm falling on my knees - Offering all of me - Jesus, You're all this heart - Is living for
Broken, I run to You - For Your arms are open wide - I am weary but I know - Your touch restores my life
[Chorus]
Hungry, I come to You - For I know You satisfy - I am empty but I know - Your love does not run dry

Then, the morning after Steph and Tim arrived, a conversation with my sweet friend Brittany confirmed God's presence once again. God used Brittany to show me that He was with me, and that He was thinking of me. He put me on her heart those very same moments I felt my strength fading, and He told her to pray for me. I can't even explain the power and peace that brought. 

Ironically, those lonely moments were when I felt closest to Jesus. I needed to "feel" alone to realize that I wasn't alone at all. In fact, I think I needed Dan and my mom to leave, so that I could turn to and rely on Jesus completely. 

And while the timing might not have been ideal, a huge part of me was incredibly thankful for Steph and Tim's visit. They kept me company while Dan was away and gave me a distraction from my current reality. More importantly, though, their visit brought joy. I love my cousin very much, and I am so glad they were able to visit us in Hawaii. 

Dan came home halfway into Steph and Tim's visit, and they left Easter Sunday, March 31, which brings us to April...

April was our first (and only) month without out-of-town guests since moving to Hawaii. Looking back, I think God let it be that way on purpose. I absolutely love having company (and selfishly, I was sad to break our visitor streak), but we needed time to rest. April allowed Dan and I have to have time together (well kind of - Dan had a busy rotation in April). It was time to process and heal and re-evaluate everything.

April was also when our church had their annual women's retreat up on the North Shore. Words can't describe how thankful I am for that retreat and the amazing women of Harbor Church. In truth, I was reluctant to go. I knew if I went, I'd probably end up talking about our miscarriage, and I still didn't feel ready to talk about it with anyone. But I'm glad I stuck with the plan to go. It came at the perfect time for me. God knew better than me, go figure.

The theme of the retreat was "Time is in His Hands" and for two days, we studied Psalm 90. One of the Harbor women, Kirsten, led the seminars, and I was incredibly blessed by her wisdom. She reminded us that we serve a BIG God who created BIG things...the sun and the stars and all of creation. But God also created time and He orchestrates time in ways we can't understand and He cares about even the smallest moments of our lives. He is a good, good God.

At one point, we broke into small groups, and I was truly amazed by God's grace once again. Out of the four women in our small prayer group, three of us had had miscarriages, and one was even more recent than mine. What a blessing is was to fellowship with those women. God is a good God and oh, how He loves us!

A few weeks later, my Sunday School lesson was on the armor of God, specifically the belt of truth. Even though the story was a familiar one and the lesson was geared to the K-2nd grade students, I took away so much from teaching that day. The belt of truth is like a tool belt, and as we learn about the truth of God, we keep that knowledge close to us so that we will be able to use it to stand against trials. I was reminded that the reason we need to put on the armor of God is because we live in a broken, sinful world. Not one of us are exempt from trials here. In fact, James 1:2 says, when...not if...we face trials.

The past few months have given me an avenue to evaluate and grow in my faith. I have been challenged to remember the truth and learn more about the God we serve...that He is a good God, that He loves me, that He will never leave me. I found this image on Pinterest and think it's a perfect reminder...

Despite seeing God's hand in the midst of my healing, I definitely had moments of fear and doubt (and still do, to be honest). I was plagued by so many questions but especially the question, "Why?" Why did this happen? Why us? Why now? 

Fear about future pregnancies was/is another source of worry. Will we ever get pregnant again? Is there something wrong with me? If we do get pregnant again, when will it happen? Will I be excited or anxious? Will we tell people right away?

On a completely different level, I am ashamed to say that there were times I even doubted the legitimacy of our grief. After all, we were only 9 weeks along, and miscarriages are so common. Was it normal to still be feeling so sad? I was afraid people were starting to think, "Gosh, just get over it already." I let my fear of what other's thought get to me. But loss is loss...and grief is grief. 

Back in March, my friend, Mindy, shared this photo on Facebook...and it stirred up so many emotions within me and it raised a few big questions, as well. 

I believe life begins at conception. I believe there was a precious life growing inside of me. And I believe our baby is now in heaven. But honestly, I wrestled with the idea of being a mom. I didn't consider myself in that category (Part of me was again fearful of what other's would think). I knew I was a mom-to-be, but I would never be a mom to that baby here on earth. So what did that mean? After Mindy shared this picture, we had several conversations. She has such a beautiful heart, and I am thankful for how God is using her story to bless others, myself included. (To read her story about her family and her twin boys in heaven, click here) Not only did Mindy encourage and support me through some very dark days, but she also validated our loss and the fact that I am a mom...to a sweet baby in heaven. What a precious gift she gave me. 

And she wasn't the only one who acknowledged and validated our loss or the fact that I am a mom. After sharing our story on the blog, I was blown away by the responses from so many friends and family members. I cherish every word, and I am so thankful for those who shared their stories with me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Then, just a few weeks ago, on Mother's Day, I returned to Hawaii after visiting family in New York (more on that later) and Dan had beautiful flowers and a sweet note waiting for me. 

It was such a sweet surprise. Then later that day, another friend wished me a Happy Mother's Day. Bittersweet, but I felt blessed beyond measure.

The reality is, we may never know why any of this happened, at least not on this side of eternity. And we may never stop hurting. Fear and doubt will always tempt me, but then I remember the truth. I'm in a different place than I was a few months ago, and I long for heaven in a new way. Perhaps part of the reason this happened is that I simply needed to draw closer to Jesus.

Thank you again to the many friends and family who have read the blog and traveled this road with us. Your prayers and words of encouragement mean more than you know. If you would, please continue to keep us in your prayers, as our journey is far from over.

A sweet friend from church sent me a few links about miscarriage/pregnancy. The blog she shared is a great resource, and I want to share them as a resource for others:
http://desiringvirtue.com/category/resources/miscarriage/
http://desiringvirtue.com/2012/06/hope-for-those-who-fear-pregnancy-pt-3/ 

Keep Smiling...


Image source for quotes/verses: Pinterest

Our Miscarriage: Part 7 - D&C

Part 7: D&C 

[This is the seventh entry about our miscarriage. To read our story from the beginning, click here.]

Important note: This post contains the details about my D&C. Many of you may want to pass on reading this one. Seriously. I'm writing primarily for other women who may be searching for information/advice/personal experience stories, as I was. If you're still reading, know that you were warned...

As I mentioned before, with a missed miscarriage, you have three options:

First, you can wait it out, hoping your body will eventually realize the change. Obviously, this is the most conservative and "natural" approach. Depending on how far along you were in the pregnancy, it may be different, but I was told it's like a really bad period (worse than your worst one) - with intense cramps and heavy bleeding. Waiting for and anticipating the physical pain of a natural miscarriage, though, is too much for some women - especially because it follows such deep emotional pain. My doctor told me it can sometimes take 4-6 weeks (or even longer) for the body to catch on.

Second, you can take medication to induce a miscarriage (often a medicine called Cytotec is placed "up" where it needs to be...in the body). The specialist I saw gave me information based on his experience. The medicine often intensifies the pain of a natural miscarriage, and women are usually sent home with serious painkillers to help endure the process. Again, there's waiting involved. In addition, the medicine isn't always effective. Sometimes, nothing happens. Other times, it partially works. In other words, women don't pass everything, and they end up needing to try the medicine again and/or have surgery anyway. [The writer of Love Lavished (the blog I found the night we lost the baby) went the Cytotec route. To read the story of her experience, click here.]

Third, you can have surgery (Dilation and Curettage, or D&C). Of the three options, this is the least conservative approach, but there are some "pros". For one, it's a quicker (waiting/time isn't a factor). It's an outpatient surgery, and you're sent home a few hours later. In addition, physical pain isn't a factor because general anesthesia is used. In a D&C, no incisions are made. The cervix is dilated and the uterus is gently scraped to remove the remaining tissue. Like any procedure, though, there are risks involved. It's a blind procedure (you're not cut open for the doctor to see), so in some cases the uterus is punctured from the scraping and scarring can occur (which can affect future fertility). Infection is another risk factor.

For me, when I began to really weigh each of these options, I grew so angry. I didn't want to be here in the first place. I didn't want to have to make the decision at all. All three options sounded completely awful to me. In my weeks of waiting, I researched every option, read countless stories, and evaluated the statistics. And reading "horror" stories from each option made everything so much worse. I didn't want to endure the physical pain of a natural miscarriage, but I really didn't want surgery. I was so afraid of infection and scarring and not being able to get pregnant again in the future because of it.

In the end, though, we went the D&C route. After serious prayer, we felt it was the best decision for us. Time was one of our biggest factors when making the decision to intervene medically. Originally, we had decided to wait. But after waiting over two weeks, my body was still not showing any signs of miscarrying naturally. Dan was leaving March 20, my mom was leaving and company was coming March 23...we waited as long as we could.

Yet, I was still maddened by the entire situation. I felt like I had no other choice, almost like I was forced into this position. I was mad that God wasn't answering our prayer of timing. And I was driven by fear. Though extremely unlikely, I was afraid the D&C would go wrong - that it would affect our future pregnancies/fertility. But Dan was so encouraging. He said that if that happened, for whatever reason, we just weren't meant to have kids - that I couldn't blame myself for choosing the surgery. Surgery really was the "best" choice for us considering everything...And Dan also reminded me of something the specialist had told me a few weeks back. He had spoken very highly of my OB doctor, and said that if we eventually chose surgery, I would be in excellent hands.

My parents and a few close friends were also extremely supportive. One of my dear friend encouraged me by saying, "I think that sometimes God chooses to heal us through modern medicine as much as we may want it another way." Another friend said, "One of God's gifts to us is doctors. And sometimes trusting Him means trusting doctors...Maybe this is the way God needs you to trust Him right now."

And so, I tried to let go. I dismissed the idea that I was taking matters into my own hands, and tried to shift my focus. I knew all of the anxiety and fear and doubt I was feeling was not from God. Maybe surgery really was God's answer to my prayer.

This brings us to March 19. I arrived at the surgery center between 6:00-6:30 am with my mom and Dan. I was extremely emotional, but fought to hold back the tears. I knew it was the right thing. And honestly, I received great care that day. The surgery facility was new and beautiful, and the nurses/techs/docs were wonderful.

When my name was called, I went back alone (Mom and Dan were asked to stay in the waiting room). I changed into the hospital gown, they set me up in the hospital bed, and I answered the pre-op questions. Right before the nurse started my IV, though, I began to cry. Everything was catching up with me. Even though I had been mourning/processing/questioning for over two weeks, the impending surgery brought this overwhelming sense of finality. It was really happening. I was, at one time, really pregnant. And we really lost our baby. And after this, it would be "over". When the nurse saw I was upset, she called Dan back so he could be with me in the final moments before I was wheeled to the OR. What a blessing. Later, that same nurse shared with me that she, too, experienced the same thing many years before. She knew the pain I was feeling. I am so thankful she was my nurse that day.

I don't remember much about the OR except that it was cold and I was thankful for my heated hospital gown. The next thing I knew, I was back in the recovery room. Everything was over. When I woke up, the nurses called my mom and Dan to join me in the recovery room. The procedure was a success, and there were no concerns. I stayed in the recovery room for a half hour or so - they wanted to make sure I could go to the bathroom before going home, so they encouraged me to eat/drink a bit. I had minor cramps, and some bleeding that day, but nothing significant.

Cramping and bleeding were the obvious side effects of the surgery, and if things got worse (super heavy bleeding or intense sharp pain/cramping), they wanted me to check back. No swimming or "pelvic activity"for 2-3 weeks. Follow-up appointment a week later. I spotted for about three weeks after the procedure (not heavy at all, pantyliners were sufficient). But that's it. I was fine. There were no complications. It was an answer to prayer. By having the D&C, I was spared the physical pain of miscarriage, and overall it was a positive experience, given the circumstances.

When friends and family checked in on me later that day, I answered them truthfully. Physically, I felt surprisingly well, considering everything that had happened. Emotionally, though, it was another story. I felt numb. But I knew I'd be okay. It was time to start healing...

Keep Smiling...

Our Miscarriage: Part 6 - Waiting

Part 6: Waiting

[This is the sixth entry about our miscarriage. To read our story from the beginning, click here.]

Monday morning came, and Dan went back to work. I remember being envious of him because he now had work as a distraction. On one hand I was thankful I had the time home to grieve, but on the other hand I wished that I, too, had work to keep me busy.

Since Dan was working, my friend Kelly insisted on taking me to the follow-up appointment that afternoon, and Dan encouraged me to let her. Part of me wanted to go alone - I didn't want to talk about it with anyone - but Kelly was understanding and all around wonderful. Looking back, I am so thankful for her support that day. After spending over an hour in the waiting room, I was finally called back, and went in to see the specialist alone. The nurse came in first and did the initial ultrasound. She was very kind, but she couldn't find the heartbeat, either. Then, the specialist came in. Same thing. I told myself I wasn't going to cry because I knew this would be the case going into the appointment. But it was a lot easier said than done.

The specialist was very compassionate - he had incredible bedside manor. He spent a while talking with me, and he wasn't rushed. He went over the same three options that my doctor had shared. And he, too, thought there was no harm in waiting it out. Sometimes, though, women can wait 4-6 weeks or even longer (sounded like pure torture to me). He gave me a little more information about medication v. surgery, and seemed to suggest that surgery may be a better route to take if we eventually decided to intervene medically. I guess the medication can sometimes intensify the pain of a natural miscarriage, and it is not always completely effective. Often times, women who take the medication end up needing the surgery anyway.

The specialist then encouraged us to take time to grieve. He shared that people who experience a miscarriage go through the same grieving process as people do with any loss of a loved one: disbelief/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages look different for everyone and it's not uncommon to go back and forth between the stages. But time is the key component. Physically, it would be fine for us to try and conceive again (once everything resolved), but he suggested taking the time and waiting a few months. I appreciated his counsel, and there's one thing he said that will forever stick with me. He said, "I'm going to tell you this now because someday you're going to wonder. Nothing you did caused this to happen."

I came home to beautiful flowers from the women in my Bible study, and I tried to resume life as normal. A few days later, they took me out to lunch. We didn't talk about it - I didn't want to - but their company was a blessing, and I appreciated the distraction. I'm so thankful for them.

As much as I wanted to put everything behind me and move on, I was still waiting for everything to happen. My body still thought I was pregnant, and emotionally, that was incredibly hard to cope with. I ended up wanting to lay low and stay home a lot because I didn't know when I would "start" the process of miscarrying. Over and over I begged and prayed, "Lord, you already have our baby. Please take care of this so we can move on." I felt so confident, almost justified, in my prayer and I really thought, "Surely He'll answer our prayer, especially after everything that's happened."

A week passed. Still, nothing. I felt my heart starting to get angry. So angry. And so full of doubt. I was mad because I felt like God wasn't listening to me or answering my prayer.

[Only in retrospect did I later see that He was listening and He did answer my prayer - just not the way I wanted Him to.]

My mom ended up coming out to be with us, and she stayed for two weeks. Part of the reason she came was because she knew we had a "deadline" of sorts. Dan was leaving for training on March 20 and he'd be gone for a little over a week. Then on March 23, our next set of visitors were coming - my cousin Steph and her husband Tim. We knew we wanted everything resolved before Dan left. And my mom didn't want me to be alone, even for just those few nights before company came. And in the event of surgery being the final outcome, she wanted to be there with us during that time. Again, we fervently prayed that the Lord would take care of everything in the time we needed. I didn't want surgery.

My mom came Saturday, March 9. On Wednesday, March 13 (just shy of two weeks of waiting), we had a follow-up appointment with my OB doctor. We discussed our situation - how Dan was leaving and we were getting company and we just wanted everything to be over. And so, we ended up scheduling the D&C for the following Tuesday, March 19. We were still hoping we wouldn't need to go through with the procedure, but we wanted to schedule it as a last resort...just in case. Again, we prayed that the Lord would resolve everything over the weekend.

I can't explain just how much my mom's presence meant to us. Even though we live in "paradise," it wasn't a vacation for her, she came to be with us and to help us...to cook, clean, run errands...whatever we needed. And then, to have your mom with you - to cry with, to hug, to hear her say, "Everything is going to be okay" - I can't explain the comfort it brings. Having my mom here was also a great distraction. She's such a positive influence. The quality time we spent together in those two weeks is time I will always cherish.

Sydney was so excited to see her!

Some of the beautiful ladies of my Bible study.
I was so glad Mom could share the morning with us.

Evening walks on Kailua Beach.

Mom and I enjoyed cooking together
and made a few Greek recipes

Mom bought us some Easter decor
and helped add some Spring touches to our home.

Mom came with me to celebrate Jillian at her baby shower.
[Baby Oskar was born 4/2!]

Beautiful flowers from my sweet friend, Tanya

Dinner out, March 18

Well, the weekend came and went. Still, nothing happened. We had waited for over two weeks. I felt like I had no choice, and medical intervention was necessary. We had run out of time. 

Keep Smiling...

Our Miscarriage: Part 5 - Heartbreak

Part 5: Heartbreak

[This is the fifth entry about our miscarriage. To read our story from the beginning, click here.]

I recently watched Carl & Ellie's love story (from Disney's "Up") on YouTube. I remembered it being so cute, and I wanted to show Dan. I had forgotten that they also experienced a miscarriage. I know it's just an animated film, but I love this image.

Friday, March 1. I was 9 weeks exactly. We planned our second appointment around Dan's schedule. (I love how he wanted to be a part of everything!) Needless to say, after our first ultrasound, we were so excited for this appointment. I came with a list of questions for the doctor (I was so in awe last time, I had forgotten to ask any questions!) and we were ready to see our little one again. We had another long wait in the office. These pictures were taken just moments before the doctor came in...

I was in the middle of asking the doctor some of my questions when the ultrasound image came on the screen. But this time the doctor was silent, and had a perplexed look on his face. It took me a moment to realize what was happening, but then the tears started to swell. We could see the baby, but there was no heartbeat. 

I began to cry. Dan looked as white as a ghost. 

I don't even know exactly happened next, but I remember everything seemed to happen so fast. The doctor apologized. He explained how common this was. And he went over our options. I had what's called a silent or missed miscarriage, meaning the baby didn't make it, but my body hadn't realized it yet. I had no symptoms of miscarriage - no pain, no cramps, no spotting - nothing. It was a complete shock. The doctor said my body would eventually catch on and we could either: wait it out and miscarry naturally, take a medicine to induce the miscarriage, or have surgery (D&C). We decided to wait...

My doctor also suggested we see a specialist to get a second opinion. (The specialist's office had better ultrasound technology.) However, my doctor was almost certain the outcome would be the same. In a state of disbelief, we agreed and scheduled an appointment for Monday, March 4. 

Dan and I went home deeply grieving - grieving in a way we had never experienced before. I can't even begin to describe it. We cried. We prayed. We felt so completely broken. 

That night, I couldn't sleep. I kept going over everything in my head. I eventually resorted to Google and came across that blog I mentioned in my first post. There was so much going through my mind. Even though I had a follow-up appointment on Monday, I knew that it didn't matter. My stomach felt different - empty almost - and I knew that I wasn't pregnant anymore, that the baby wasn't there. I tossed and turned for hours. Finally, I knew that if I ever wanted to fall asleep, I just needed to write and get my thoughts on paper. And so, I wrote the last entry in my pregnancy journal:

Friday, March 1, 2013 

9 Weeks 

Dear baby,  

Today was our second prenatal appointment. We picked today because your Dad had off, and he was just as eager as I was to learn more about you. We were so excited to see you again, especially the flicker of your strong little heart on the screen. 

As I write to you now, I long for those eager and optimistic feelings to return. Instead, I'm writing with a heavy heart - heavier than it's ever been before. Already, what happened today at the doctor's office is a blur. We waited patiently. The image came on the screen. We could see you. The doctor was quiet. Finally, he spoke. He said that you had grown, but he could not find your heartbeat. I went numb, wishing I'd awake from a horrible dream. 

Daddy and I spent the rest of the day together in tears. Sitting in silence. Embracing and comforting. Sorting our thoughts and questions. Doubting one minute. Angry the next.  

We're absolutely devastated. In nine short weeks, we've grown to love you so very much, and we're deeply grieving the loss of your precious life. We don't know why your little heart stopped beating. We're trying to trust God's plan, wondering why He took you early instead of letting us love you here. We know you're in good hands (His hands) but we're sad we'll never hold you in ours. And now we look forward to that one day where we will meet you and hold you in heaven. 

Until then and with all our love, 

Mom

Even though they were some of the darkest moments, I was (and still am) so thankful for the time Dan and I had together during those first few days. It was a huge blessing that he was off from work that weekend (and truly a rare occurance). We really needed the time to grieve and process everything together. Life as we knew it had changed again.

And so, our "waiting" period began.

Keep Smiling...

Our Miscarriage: Part 4 - The Tiniest Miracle

Part 4: The Tiniest Miracle

[This is the fourth entry about our miscarriage. To read our story from the beginning, click here.]

Looking back, February was such a wonderful month. Our new reality set in, and we enjoyed our first full month of pregnancy (or at least the first full month we knew of it).

I was so thankful we told our families, and I cherished the conversations I had with my mom early on. A few days after we shared the news, my mom sent me an email. Her words and wisdom actually mean more now than they did when I first read them: 

Hi Kristen, just want to say this morning that Dad and I think and pray for you and your brother and sister daily. We are reminded how fast you all grew up and though we miss you, we know how important it is to find the Lord's will and plan for your life. We know that you are meant to be exactly where you are right now. We thank the Lord for you, our special gift from above. And realize that He wanted us to be your parents. It has been a privilege to be your parents and watch you grow. We're thankful for you and all the memories we have. Please forgive us for the times and areas we fell short and/or didn't do all that we were supposed to do or say. We love you and are so proud of you.

God's plan is good.

Kris, can you tell I'm home today and reflecting?  I've been going to the bookshelves more often since you shared the wonderful news. I remember you ordering the shelves and you and Dan putting them together and organizing them - doing what you do best.  I see books I've read and many that I had good intentions of reading. Marriage/parenting is on-the-job-training. It takes putting God first and knowing his design/blueprints for life. Becoming a Christian doesn't give us a free pass to easily go through life, but it does make us aware of our shortcomings and challenges. And it entitles us to get the strength to go through anything from our Lord and Savior.  Daily, I forget who I am in Christ and daily I need to be reminded.  This is your daily reminder of who you are in Him: you are His workmanship and God is at work in you. According to Charles Stanley and his teachings of God's word, workmanship means masterpiece. The child within you is also His masterpiece. 

I love you and miss you.  Mom xo

A few days later, she mailed me a huge package filled with many of those books. On each book she wrote a little note. It was so special. 

"What parents of the eighties are naming their babies..." Ha!

The whole not-feeling-pregnant thing didn't last long. While I never actually got "sick", I started to feel nauseous the night before our first OB appointment. And that became the trend. I felt fine during the day - no morning sickness, but I had "evening" sickness. Smells really bothered me, I lost my appetite, and could barely eat dinners. But I didn't mind. It was confirmation that everything was real. 

[Side note: My cousin, Steph, told me she was pregnant about two weeks before I found out I was pregnant. So when we did find out, I had to tell her! However, no one knew I told her. See, she was in her first trimester and waiting to tell extended family (aka my parents and grandparents), too. It made it tricky, but fun. It was like a double secret. Steph and I were exactly four weeks apart, and throughout the month of February, we enjoyed comparing our stories and symptoms. I loved our conversations and am thankful we experienced pregnancy together, even if it was just a short while. I can't wait to meet her baby boy in September!]

The highlight of February was definitely our first doctor's appointment. It’s so hard to put into words how exciting and surreal that day was. I was 6 weeks, 5 days, and we had our first ultrasound.  It happened to work out that Dan was off, and I am so thankful he was there with me. He was super cute as we arrived to the hospital/doctor’s office – snapping pictures and taking video. (Had to include them, even the blurry ones).

We had a long wait at the doctor’s office, but it was worth the wait. It was absolutely amazing to see the image of our baby on the ultrasound machine.

It was too early to hear the heartbeat, but we could see the flicker of the heartbeat on the screen! And I mean, clearly see. Totally incredible! I remember thinking, "Okay, it's definitely real! There’s really a baby growing inside of me. We’re really pregnant!" And again, I remember being just completely in awe of God's design. I had no idea that you could see the heartbeat so early in a pregnancy. What a special gift from God for the parents-to-be. It was the tiniest and the biggest miracle we had ever seen.

We left the doctor's office feeling pretty good. We knew it was still very early in the pregnancy, but seeing the heartbeat gave us so much more confidence. I'm so thankful our first ultrasound experience was a positive one. I'm thankful we have that memory. It's definitely one we'll never forget. 

That same night, we celebrated Valentine’s Day – a day early – since Dan was off. After the appointment, he went shopping and came home with a surprise dinner. For the past three Valentine’s Days he's made fresh lobster. Fresh lobster is hard to find all the way in Hawaii, but Dan found lobster tails at Whole Foods and made a delicious lobster ravioli dinner (my favorite!) complete with a rose sauce (my other favorite!) He’s the best! 

Unfortunately, nausea was getting the best of me. I had this lump-like feeling in my throat and just felt gross. I had zero appetite, but didn’t have the heart to tell Dan I couldn't eat his food because he was so excited! (Although, I'm pretty sure he figured it out.) I was just praying that the nausea would subside so I could enjoy the delicious dinner he prepared for me. And it did. I enjoyed every bite. God is good! Not pictured next to our delicious dinner: the saltine crackers and ginger ale that helped get me through the meal. (Saltine crackers and rice cakes we my dinners for the rest of the pregnancy, too.) 

Nausea and all, it was by far my favorite Valentine's Day. We had so much to celebrate, especially seeing our blueberry-sized babe for the first time.

Three days later, my cousin Meg and her boyfriend Craig came to visit. When they first planned their trip, I wasn't pregnant. So as their arrival got closer, I started to worry, especially since I was just starting to feel more pregnant. I didn't want to be a lame tour guide for their trip. But again, I have to say God is good. We had so much fun with them! 

And...we ended up sharing our big news with them, too! Originally, we were going to try and keep the secret, but it was so much harder than we thought it'd be. We ended up telling them for many reasons: a) I thought they'd be suspicious of my diet of rice cakes and plain crackers, especially for dinner. b) I wouldn't order wine or fun Hawaiian drinks while we were out. c) We were feeling more confident with the pregnancy after seeing the heartbeat/ultrasound image. d) They would be the only family we got to tell in person! (so special) They were so excited when we told them, and I'm glad we did. 

Meg and Craig left Sunday, February 24. The next day, we found out where Dan's next Army assignment will be...Colorado! (More on that later) It was such a huge relief to find out, because we knew the baby would be born wherever we moved next, and we were so anxious to find out. Noteworthy: After finding out where we'd be when the baby arrived, Dan ordered the baby his/her first Patagonia jacket...you know, for the harsh Colorado winters. He's cute. And slightly obsessed!

That brings us to the end of February (and the end of our pregnancy, even though we didn't know it yet). Our next doctor's appointment was scheduled for Friday, March 1...

Keep Smiling...