[This post follows a series of posts about our miscarriage. To read our story from the beginning, click here and continue to click "newer post"at the bottom of the page.]
I have been meaning to continue journaling our story, but May has been a complete whirlwind, so here I am, a month later, continuing where I left off. All along, I knew I wanted to write one more entry regarding our miscarriage. This post is meant to be a "conclusion" of sorts - not that it's over or finished because loss doesn't just go away - but now there's some clarity when I think back to those dark days.
I'd be lying if I said I'm 100% okay today. There's still pain. There's pain when I think about how far along we'd be (past halfway, now) or when I see other pregnant women or when I go to Facebook and read yet another pregnancy announcement or when I see families welcome a new baby home. But by the grace of God, there are more good days than bad, and more strong moments than weak. While my heart is still tempted with envy, I can honestly say I have sincere joy for those women/families I just mentioned. Grief is a process and time is a great healer.
But let me back up...
(Just a warning - this is going to be a long post - and I will probably be all over the place.)
The days after the D&C brought new waves of grief. The procedure itself gave bittersweet closure. I felt relieved that the waiting was over, but it also confirmed our loss, which was heartbreaking. The procedure was March 19. Dan left for training in Texas March 20. I was so thankful for my mom staying until my cousin and her husband came on March 23. As I mentioned earlier, Mom had planned her trip around Dan's training/Steph and Tim's visit, because she didn't want me to be alone, even for one night. She's seriously the best, and I didn't want her to leave.
Dan came home halfway into Steph and Tim's visit, and they left Easter Sunday, March 31, which brings us to April...
April was our first (and only) month without out-of-town guests since moving to Hawaii. Looking back, I think God let it be that way on purpose. I absolutely love having company (and selfishly, I was sad to break our visitor streak), but we needed time to rest. April allowed Dan and I have to have time together (well kind of - Dan had a busy rotation in April). It was time to process and heal and re-evaluate everything.
April was also when our church had their annual women's retreat up on the North Shore. Words can't describe how thankful I am for that retreat and the amazing women of Harbor Church. In truth, I was reluctant to go. I knew if I went, I'd probably end up talking about our miscarriage, and I still didn't feel ready to talk about it with anyone. But I'm glad I stuck with the plan to go. It came at the perfect time for me. God knew better than me, go figure.
The theme of the retreat was "Time is in His Hands" and for two days, we studied Psalm 90. One of the Harbor women, Kirsten, led the seminars, and I was incredibly blessed by her wisdom. She reminded us that we serve a BIG God who created BIG things...the sun and the stars and all of creation. But God also created time and He orchestrates time in ways we can't understand and He cares about even the smallest moments of our lives. He is a good, good God.
The reality is, we may never know why any of this happened, at least not on this side of eternity. And we may never stop hurting. Fear and doubt will always tempt me, but then I remember the truth. I'm in a different place than I was a few months ago, and I long for heaven in a new way. Perhaps part of the reason this happened is that I simply needed to draw closer to Jesus.
Thank you again to the many friends and family who have read the blog and traveled this road with us. Your prayers and words of encouragement mean more than you know. If you would, please continue to keep us in your prayers, as our journey is far from over.
A sweet friend from church sent me a few links about miscarriage/pregnancy. The blog she shared is a great resource, and I want to share them as a resource for others:
http://desiringvirtue.com/category/resources/miscarriage/
http://desiringvirtue.com/2012/06/hope-for-those-who-fear-pregnancy-pt-3/
Keep Smiling...
Image source for quotes/verses: Pinterest
I have been meaning to continue journaling our story, but May has been a complete whirlwind, so here I am, a month later, continuing where I left off. All along, I knew I wanted to write one more entry regarding our miscarriage. This post is meant to be a "conclusion" of sorts - not that it's over or finished because loss doesn't just go away - but now there's some clarity when I think back to those dark days.
I'd be lying if I said I'm 100% okay today. There's still pain. There's pain when I think about how far along we'd be (past halfway, now) or when I see other pregnant women or when I go to Facebook and read yet another pregnancy announcement or when I see families welcome a new baby home. But by the grace of God, there are more good days than bad, and more strong moments than weak. While my heart is still tempted with envy, I can honestly say I have sincere joy for those women/families I just mentioned. Grief is a process and time is a great healer.
But let me back up...
(Just a warning - this is going to be a long post - and I will probably be all over the place.)
The days after the D&C brought new waves of grief. The procedure itself gave bittersweet closure. I felt relieved that the waiting was over, but it also confirmed our loss, which was heartbreaking. The procedure was March 19. Dan left for training in Texas March 20. I was so thankful for my mom staying until my cousin and her husband came on March 23. As I mentioned earlier, Mom had planned her trip around Dan's training/Steph and Tim's visit, because she didn't want me to be alone, even for one night. She's seriously the best, and I didn't want her to leave.
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| A quick family photo before dropping Dan off at the airport |
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| Special dinner out on Mom's last night in town |
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| Boy, were Sydney and I sad to see Mom go. |
Honestly, the first night of Steph and Tim's visit was rough. I wasn't emotionally prepared for the upcoming week. Seeing Steph's growing baby bump (remember, we were 4 weeks apart) was so much more painful than I had anticipated, but I felt like I couldn't show my weakness. I didn't want to make anyone feel bad. It wasn't their fault. After all, their trip was planned way in advance - before any of this had happened - and I didn't want to compromise their Hawaii experience. Moreover, I just wasn't ready to talk about it.
In those moments, I couldn't help but feel alone - Dan was gone, my mom had just left, and I felt like I had to face this mountain of grief on my own. I vividly remember thinking I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own.
The strange thing was, as much as I wanted to feel alone, I really couldn't. In those initial hours and days, God made his presence known to me in such clear ways - through worship music, scripture, and loved ones.
Every time I listened to my worship station on Pandora, "Hungry (Falling on my Knees)" played. Seriously, it came on every.single.time. I've always loved the song, but now it has such a deeper meaning to me.
Hungry, I come to You - For I know You satisfy - I am empty but I know - Your love does not run dry
[Chorus] So I wait for You - So I wait for You - I'm falling on my knees - Offering all of me - Jesus, You're all this heart - Is living for
Broken, I run to You - For Your arms are open wide - I am weary but I know - Your touch restores my life
[Chorus]
Hungry, I come to You - For I know You satisfy - I am empty but I know - Your love does not run dry
Then, the morning after Steph and Tim arrived, a conversation with my sweet friend Brittany confirmed God's presence once again. God used Brittany to show me that He was with me, and that He was thinking of me. He put me on her heart those very same moments I felt my strength fading, and He told her to pray for me. I can't even explain the power and peace that brought.
Ironically, those lonely moments were when I felt closest to Jesus. I needed to "feel" alone to realize that I wasn't alone at all. In fact, I think I needed Dan and my mom to leave, so that I could turn to and rely on Jesus completely.
And while the timing might not have been ideal, a huge part of me was incredibly thankful for Steph and Tim's visit. They kept me company while Dan was away and gave me a distraction from my current reality. More importantly, though, their visit brought joy. I love my cousin very much, and I am so glad they were able to visit us in Hawaii.
April was our first (and only) month without out-of-town guests since moving to Hawaii. Looking back, I think God let it be that way on purpose. I absolutely love having company (and selfishly, I was sad to break our visitor streak), but we needed time to rest. April allowed Dan and I have to have time together (well kind of - Dan had a busy rotation in April). It was time to process and heal and re-evaluate everything.
April was also when our church had their annual women's retreat up on the North Shore. Words can't describe how thankful I am for that retreat and the amazing women of Harbor Church. In truth, I was reluctant to go. I knew if I went, I'd probably end up talking about our miscarriage, and I still didn't feel ready to talk about it with anyone. But I'm glad I stuck with the plan to go. It came at the perfect time for me. God knew better than me, go figure.
At one point, we broke into small groups, and I was truly amazed by God's grace once again. Out of the four women in our small prayer group, three of us had had miscarriages, and one was even more recent than mine. What a blessing is was to fellowship with those women. God is a good God and oh, how He loves us!
A few weeks later, my Sunday School lesson was on the armor of God, specifically the belt of truth. Even though the story was a familiar one and the lesson was geared to the K-2nd grade students, I took away so much from teaching that day. The belt of truth is like a tool belt, and as we learn about the truth of God, we keep that knowledge close to us so that we will be able to use it to stand against trials. I was reminded that the reason we need to put on the armor of God is because we live in a broken, sinful world. Not one of us are exempt from trials here. In fact, James 1:2 says, when...not if...we face trials.
The past few months have given me an avenue to evaluate and grow in my faith. I have been challenged to remember the truth and learn more about the God we serve...that He is a good God, that He loves me, that He will never leave me. I found this image on Pinterest and think it's a perfect reminder...
Despite seeing God's hand in the midst of my healing, I definitely had moments of fear and doubt (and still do, to be honest). I was plagued by so many questions but especially the question, "Why?" Why did this happen? Why us? Why now?
Fear about future pregnancies was/is another source of worry. Will we ever get pregnant again? Is there something wrong with me? If we do get pregnant again, when will it happen? Will I be excited or anxious? Will we tell people right away?
On a completely different level, I am ashamed to say that there were times I even doubted the legitimacy of our grief. After all, we were only 9 weeks along, and miscarriages are so common. Was it normal to still be feeling so sad? I was afraid people were starting to think, "Gosh, just get over it already." I let my fear of what other's thought get to me. But loss is loss...and grief is grief.
Back in March, my friend, Mindy, shared this photo on Facebook...and it stirred up so many emotions within me and it raised a few big questions, as well.
I believe life begins at conception. I believe there was a precious life growing inside of me. And I believe our baby is now in heaven. But honestly, I wrestled with the idea of being a mom. I didn't consider myself in that category (Part of me was again fearful of what other's would think). I knew I was a mom-to-be, but I would never be a mom to that baby here on earth. So what did that mean? After Mindy shared this picture, we had several conversations. She has such a beautiful heart, and I am thankful for how God is using her story to bless others, myself included. (To read her story about her family and her twin boys in heaven, click here) Not only did Mindy encourage and support me through some very dark days, but she also validated our loss and the fact that I am a mom...to a sweet baby in heaven. What a precious gift she gave me.
And she wasn't the only one who acknowledged and validated our loss or the fact that I am a mom. After sharing our story on the blog, I was blown away by the responses from so many friends and family members. I cherish every word, and I am so thankful for those who shared their stories with me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Then, just a few weeks ago, on Mother's Day, I returned to Hawaii after visiting family in New York (more on that later) and Dan had beautiful flowers and a sweet note waiting for me.
It was such a sweet surprise. Then later that day, another friend wished me a Happy Mother's Day. Bittersweet, but I felt blessed beyond measure.
A sweet friend from church sent me a few links about miscarriage/pregnancy. The blog she shared is a great resource, and I want to share them as a resource for others:
http://desiringvirtue.com/category/resources/miscarriage/
http://desiringvirtue.com/2012/06/hope-for-those-who-fear-pregnancy-pt-3/
Keep Smiling...
Image source for quotes/verses: Pinterest
