Our Miscarriage: Part 2 - Two Pink Lines!

Part 2: Two Pink Lines!

[This is the second entry about our miscarriage. To read our story from the beginning, click here.]

Before I start writing this entry, I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am truly overwhelmed by the response we received from the last post. And I apologize for not responding to each message individually. Please know that I cherish every word of encouragement and all of your prayers. God is a good God.

Now I want to start from the beginning...

As soon as we found out we were pregnant, I started a journal. Nothing fancy, (actually, it was just an informal Word document - for me, typing is faster) but I wanted to remember everything. Every detail. Every feeling. Every pregnancy symptom. And I wanted a place to write messages to our little one along the way. I planned on taking the "rough draft" of a journal and someday turning it into a "prettier" keepsake.

I went back to my first entry, hoping to use some of it to help me write this post. Opening the document and re-reading my initial entry was hard, I'm not going to lie. But as I read, I decided there was no sense re-writing something I had already documented, so here it is:

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Week 4: POSITIVE home pregnancy test! We’re PREGNANT!

Background: Dan was off today! (He was home because he was going to take me to my follow-up dermatologist appointment.)  I knew there was a chance I could be pregnant, and I knew today was the day I could test and find out, but I was not expecting to actually be pregnant...at all. However, I wanted to be sure. I decided to test before my procedure because I wanted to know whether or not it was safe to take the medicine the doctor had prescribed for my procedure later in the morning (long story...for another day).

So, I woke up at 6:30am and tested. Dan was still sleeping. I had told myself I wasn’t going to look at the test for the entire 3-minute “wait period” but I couldn’t help but peek. When I saw the second pink line starting to show, I immediately looked away. I then decided I wasn’t going to look, as originally planned, until my 3-minute timer went off (I’m a nerd and like to be exact). I didn’t want to get excited until I knew for sure.

Well, sure enough, timer went off. Checked test. Two pink lines. And two lines definitely equals a positive pregnant result. I rubbed my eyes a dozen times to make sure I wasn't just seeing double because I was exhausted. And even though the results are clearly described on the test itself, I read the instruction pamphlet another dozen times to make sure two, not one line indicated a positive result. Despite my disbelief, there were definitely two pink lines. I stood in the bathroom for a while. Still shaking. Trying to decide my next move. I wanted to burst out of the bathroom door and wake Dan up, but I didn't. I finished getting dressed and tried to think of a creative way to share the news with Dan.

I wanted to tell him in a special way, but honestly, I wasn’t prepared. I mean, I knew it was possible I could be pregnant, but I didn’t want to assume and get excited for nothing.  Then, I remembered that I had a pack of onsies in the other room (I promise I’m not some strange person who keeps baby clothes lying around. I was going to give them to a pregnant friend when she has her baby later in the spring). So, I quietly took the positive pregnancy test and tiptoed to the other room. I didn’t want to wake Dan in the middle of my secret operation. I opened the pack of onsies and took out the most gender-neutral one. Then, I wrapped the test in the onsie and wrapped both in a gift bag. I placed the gift bag on the kitchen counter, hoping Dan would see it as soon as he went into the kitchen for his morning cup of coffee.

Around 7:00am, Dan started to wake up, but he was moving slowly and I was so anxious for him to just go into the kitchen. It was torture. But I tried to remain calm, cool, and collected while he got ready. Finally, he was dressed and ready and moved to the kitchen. I’m pretty sure he saw the gift right away, but he didn’t say anything. Then again, I probably didn’t give him a chance to say anything. I immediately blurted out, “Did you see your gift?!” I made up a reason for the gift - something like it was for him because he takes such good care of me (I had a cold all weekend, and he was really sweet) and I wanted to thank him, etc.   

It’s hard to put his reaction into words. I think he knew as soon as he saw the onsie. His smile was huge, yet I could tell he was in disbelief...just as I was. I asked him to verify the existence of two pink lines – he saw them, too. Then he gave me the biggest hug.  

We quickly did the math, and figured out that our baby would be due sometime late September or early October. We also were both doubtful it was true, and decided I’d re-test later that day or the next to confirm. Maybe it was a faulty test. Maybe I did it wrong. We also quickly talked about how/when we would tell people the news. I'm sure keeping this secret will be insanely hard.  

I wished we had more time together to let the news sink in, but we had to go to my appointment. We decided, though, that I would not take the prescribed medicine and would take Benadryl (which is safe for pregnancy) instead...just in case. We didn’t tell my dermatologist, though. And it worked out. I was so out of it from the Benadryl, that he didn’t know the difference. Ha!

On the car ride there, we were pretty much quiet, I think still in shock. I kept squeezing Dan’s hand and asking him if he really saw two lines. He kept smiling and every time, he replied, “yes.”

While we were waiting for my appointment, I quickly called my OB doctor to set up an initial appointment – February 13. I’ll be almost 7 weeks then. Crazy!

After my procedure, we returned home. I was in rare form – my head was wrapped like a psych patient and I had bandages on my head and chest. So I came home and slept for a while – or tried to at least. What a day it had been! Later this evening, Dan came to check on me, and then just sat there with me. I could tell he was thinking. After a few moments of silence, he said, “I think you’re going to be really cute with a belly.”  

We’re so excited...and nervous. It’s still so early, we know. We’re just praying for our baby to make it safely so we can meet him/her in less than 9 months...!

In one way, the events of January 29 seem like yesterday. In another way, the memory of that day feels like a dream - like it never really happened. But it did happen. It's a day we'll never forget. In those moments, everything changed. Life as we knew it would never be the same.

Looking back, I am thankful.

I am thankful Dan had the day off - I couldn't imagine waiting all day to tell him!!

I am thankful that we shared in those joyful moments together.
I am thankful for the wonderful man that is my husband.

Keep Smiling...

P.S. My procedure that day turned out fine. Long story short, I had a few irregular moles removed in December and this was a follow-up. They needed to go back into each site and take bigger samples to ensure there were clear margins. (The doctor had prescribed me medicine to "relax" because I'm a baby with pain...) Everything came back fine, though. Praise the Lord!