[This is the seventh entry about our miscarriage. To read our story from the beginning, click here.]
Important note: This post contains the details about my D&C. Many of you may want to pass on reading this one. Seriously. I'm writing primarily for other women who may be searching for information/advice/personal experience stories, as I was. If you're still reading, know that you were warned...
As I mentioned before, with a missed miscarriage, you have three options:
First, you can wait it out, hoping your body will eventually realize the change. Obviously, this is the most conservative and "natural" approach. Depending on how far along you were in the pregnancy, it may be different, but I was told it's like a really bad period (worse than your worst one) - with intense cramps and heavy bleeding. Waiting for and anticipating the physical pain of a natural miscarriage, though, is too much for some women - especially because it follows such deep emotional pain. My doctor told me it can sometimes take 4-6 weeks (or even longer) for the body to catch on.
Second, you can take medication to induce a miscarriage (often a medicine called Cytotec is placed "up" where it needs to be...in the body). The specialist I saw gave me information based on his experience. The medicine often intensifies the pain of a natural miscarriage, and women are usually sent home with serious painkillers to help endure the process. Again, there's waiting involved. In addition, the medicine isn't always effective. Sometimes, nothing happens. Other times, it partially works. In other words, women don't pass everything, and they end up needing to try the medicine again and/or have surgery anyway. [The writer of Love Lavished (the blog I found the night we lost the baby) went the Cytotec route. To read the story of her experience, click here.]
Third, you can have surgery (Dilation and Curettage, or D&C). Of the three options, this is the least conservative approach, but there are some "pros". For one, it's a quicker (waiting/time isn't a factor). It's an outpatient surgery, and you're sent home a few hours later. In addition, physical pain isn't a factor because general anesthesia is used. In a D&C, no incisions are made. The cervix is dilated and the uterus is gently scraped to remove the remaining tissue. Like any procedure, though, there are risks involved. It's a blind procedure (you're not cut open for the doctor to see), so in some cases the uterus is punctured from the scraping and scarring can occur (which can affect future fertility). Infection is another risk factor.
For me, when I began to really weigh each of these options, I grew so angry. I didn't want to be here in the first place. I didn't want to have to make the decision at all. All three options sounded completely awful to me. In my weeks of waiting, I researched every option, read countless stories, and evaluated the statistics. And reading "horror" stories from each option made everything so much worse. I didn't want to endure the physical pain of a natural miscarriage, but I really didn't want surgery. I was so afraid of infection and scarring and not being able to get pregnant again in the future because of it.
In the end, though, we went the D&C route. After serious prayer, we felt it was the best decision for us. Time was one of our biggest factors when making the decision to intervene medically. Originally, we had decided to wait. But after waiting over two weeks, my body was still not showing any signs of miscarrying naturally. Dan was leaving March 20, my mom was leaving and company was coming March 23...we waited as long as we could.
Yet, I was still maddened by the entire situation. I felt like I had no other choice, almost like I was forced into this position. I was mad that God wasn't answering our prayer of timing. And I was driven by fear. Though extremely unlikely, I was afraid the D&C would go wrong - that it would affect our future pregnancies/fertility. But Dan was so encouraging. He said that if that happened, for whatever reason, we just weren't meant to have kids - that I couldn't blame myself for choosing the surgery. Surgery really was the "best" choice for us considering everything...And Dan also reminded me of something the specialist had told me a few weeks back. He had spoken very highly of my OB doctor, and said that if we eventually chose surgery, I would be in excellent hands.
My parents and a few close friends were also extremely supportive. One of my dear friend encouraged me by saying, "I think that sometimes God chooses to heal us through modern medicine as much as we may want it another way." Another friend said, "One of God's gifts to us is doctors. And sometimes trusting Him means trusting doctors...Maybe this is the way God needs you to trust Him right now."
And so, I tried to let go. I dismissed the idea that I was taking matters into my own hands, and tried to shift my focus. I knew all of the anxiety and fear and doubt I was feeling was not from God. Maybe surgery really was God's answer to my prayer.
This brings us to March 19. I arrived at the surgery center between 6:00-6:30 am with my mom and Dan. I was extremely emotional, but fought to hold back the tears. I knew it was the right thing. And honestly, I received great care that day. The surgery facility was new and beautiful, and the nurses/techs/docs were wonderful.
When my name was called, I went back alone (Mom and Dan were asked to stay in the waiting room). I changed into the hospital gown, they set me up in the hospital bed, and I answered the pre-op questions. Right before the nurse started my IV, though, I began to cry. Everything was catching up with me. Even though I had been mourning/processing/questioning for over two weeks, the impending surgery brought this overwhelming sense of finality. It was really happening. I was, at one time, really pregnant. And we really lost our baby. And after this, it would be "over". When the nurse saw I was upset, she called Dan back so he could be with me in the final moments before I was wheeled to the OR. What a blessing. Later, that same nurse shared with me that she, too, experienced the same thing many years before. She knew the pain I was feeling. I am so thankful she was my nurse that day.
I don't remember much about the OR except that it was cold and I was thankful for my heated hospital gown. The next thing I knew, I was back in the recovery room. Everything was over. When I woke up, the nurses called my mom and Dan to join me in the recovery room. The procedure was a success, and there were no concerns. I stayed in the recovery room for a half hour or so - they wanted to make sure I could go to the bathroom before going home, so they encouraged me to eat/drink a bit. I had minor cramps, and some bleeding that day, but nothing significant.
Cramping and bleeding were the obvious side effects of the surgery, and if things got worse (super heavy bleeding or intense sharp pain/cramping), they wanted me to check back. No swimming or "pelvic activity"for 2-3 weeks. Follow-up appointment a week later. I spotted for about three weeks after the procedure (not heavy at all, pantyliners were sufficient). But that's it. I was fine. There were no complications. It was an answer to prayer. By having the D&C, I was spared the physical pain of miscarriage, and overall it was a positive experience, given the circumstances.
When friends and family checked in on me later that day, I answered them truthfully. Physically, I felt surprisingly well, considering everything that had happened. Emotionally, though, it was another story. I felt numb. But I knew I'd be okay. It was time to start healing...
Keep Smiling...
Important note: This post contains the details about my D&C. Many of you may want to pass on reading this one. Seriously. I'm writing primarily for other women who may be searching for information/advice/personal experience stories, as I was. If you're still reading, know that you were warned...
As I mentioned before, with a missed miscarriage, you have three options:
First, you can wait it out, hoping your body will eventually realize the change. Obviously, this is the most conservative and "natural" approach. Depending on how far along you were in the pregnancy, it may be different, but I was told it's like a really bad period (worse than your worst one) - with intense cramps and heavy bleeding. Waiting for and anticipating the physical pain of a natural miscarriage, though, is too much for some women - especially because it follows such deep emotional pain. My doctor told me it can sometimes take 4-6 weeks (or even longer) for the body to catch on.
Second, you can take medication to induce a miscarriage (often a medicine called Cytotec is placed "up" where it needs to be...in the body). The specialist I saw gave me information based on his experience. The medicine often intensifies the pain of a natural miscarriage, and women are usually sent home with serious painkillers to help endure the process. Again, there's waiting involved. In addition, the medicine isn't always effective. Sometimes, nothing happens. Other times, it partially works. In other words, women don't pass everything, and they end up needing to try the medicine again and/or have surgery anyway. [The writer of Love Lavished (the blog I found the night we lost the baby) went the Cytotec route. To read the story of her experience, click here.]
Third, you can have surgery (Dilation and Curettage, or D&C). Of the three options, this is the least conservative approach, but there are some "pros". For one, it's a quicker (waiting/time isn't a factor). It's an outpatient surgery, and you're sent home a few hours later. In addition, physical pain isn't a factor because general anesthesia is used. In a D&C, no incisions are made. The cervix is dilated and the uterus is gently scraped to remove the remaining tissue. Like any procedure, though, there are risks involved. It's a blind procedure (you're not cut open for the doctor to see), so in some cases the uterus is punctured from the scraping and scarring can occur (which can affect future fertility). Infection is another risk factor.
For me, when I began to really weigh each of these options, I grew so angry. I didn't want to be here in the first place. I didn't want to have to make the decision at all. All three options sounded completely awful to me. In my weeks of waiting, I researched every option, read countless stories, and evaluated the statistics. And reading "horror" stories from each option made everything so much worse. I didn't want to endure the physical pain of a natural miscarriage, but I really didn't want surgery. I was so afraid of infection and scarring and not being able to get pregnant again in the future because of it.
In the end, though, we went the D&C route. After serious prayer, we felt it was the best decision for us. Time was one of our biggest factors when making the decision to intervene medically. Originally, we had decided to wait. But after waiting over two weeks, my body was still not showing any signs of miscarrying naturally. Dan was leaving March 20, my mom was leaving and company was coming March 23...we waited as long as we could.
Yet, I was still maddened by the entire situation. I felt like I had no other choice, almost like I was forced into this position. I was mad that God wasn't answering our prayer of timing. And I was driven by fear. Though extremely unlikely, I was afraid the D&C would go wrong - that it would affect our future pregnancies/fertility. But Dan was so encouraging. He said that if that happened, for whatever reason, we just weren't meant to have kids - that I couldn't blame myself for choosing the surgery. Surgery really was the "best" choice for us considering everything...And Dan also reminded me of something the specialist had told me a few weeks back. He had spoken very highly of my OB doctor, and said that if we eventually chose surgery, I would be in excellent hands.
My parents and a few close friends were also extremely supportive. One of my dear friend encouraged me by saying, "I think that sometimes God chooses to heal us through modern medicine as much as we may want it another way." Another friend said, "One of God's gifts to us is doctors. And sometimes trusting Him means trusting doctors...Maybe this is the way God needs you to trust Him right now."
This brings us to March 19. I arrived at the surgery center between 6:00-6:30 am with my mom and Dan. I was extremely emotional, but fought to hold back the tears. I knew it was the right thing. And honestly, I received great care that day. The surgery facility was new and beautiful, and the nurses/techs/docs were wonderful.
When my name was called, I went back alone (Mom and Dan were asked to stay in the waiting room). I changed into the hospital gown, they set me up in the hospital bed, and I answered the pre-op questions. Right before the nurse started my IV, though, I began to cry. Everything was catching up with me. Even though I had been mourning/processing/questioning for over two weeks, the impending surgery brought this overwhelming sense of finality. It was really happening. I was, at one time, really pregnant. And we really lost our baby. And after this, it would be "over". When the nurse saw I was upset, she called Dan back so he could be with me in the final moments before I was wheeled to the OR. What a blessing. Later, that same nurse shared with me that she, too, experienced the same thing many years before. She knew the pain I was feeling. I am so thankful she was my nurse that day.
I don't remember much about the OR except that it was cold and I was thankful for my heated hospital gown. The next thing I knew, I was back in the recovery room. Everything was over. When I woke up, the nurses called my mom and Dan to join me in the recovery room. The procedure was a success, and there were no concerns. I stayed in the recovery room for a half hour or so - they wanted to make sure I could go to the bathroom before going home, so they encouraged me to eat/drink a bit. I had minor cramps, and some bleeding that day, but nothing significant.
Cramping and bleeding were the obvious side effects of the surgery, and if things got worse (super heavy bleeding or intense sharp pain/cramping), they wanted me to check back. No swimming or "pelvic activity"for 2-3 weeks. Follow-up appointment a week later. I spotted for about three weeks after the procedure (not heavy at all, pantyliners were sufficient). But that's it. I was fine. There were no complications. It was an answer to prayer. By having the D&C, I was spared the physical pain of miscarriage, and overall it was a positive experience, given the circumstances.
When friends and family checked in on me later that day, I answered them truthfully. Physically, I felt surprisingly well, considering everything that had happened. Emotionally, though, it was another story. I felt numb. But I knew I'd be okay. It was time to start healing...
Keep Smiling...
